Commentary: Tips for Carnival 2020

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STRAIGHT UP, 2020 has been a pretty crappy year so far. I mean the current situation in Trinidad and Tobago is so monumentally disconcerting, a Trini ISIS wife actually said she preferred living in a refugee camp in Syria than in Trinidad during an interview published last week.

But alas, Carnival is here; two days where we can put the dumpster fire of a year thus far behind us, and revel (whether on the road or not) celebrating the cultural beauty of our nation.

Despite my feelings about 2020 not going well thus far, I am trying to maintain a somewhat positive outlook for Carnival. So to ensure things really don’t go down in flames, I have compiled a list of how not to be a total cesspit of a person this Carnival.

Not every bum bum is  yours to wine on

Back in my glory days I was an indiscriminate winer. My bumper was on everyone and anything… oh the times.

Sadly not everyone is like me and not everyone appreciates getting wined on by people they don’t know, and hey you’ve got to respect that.

So fellas don’t take it too hard when you get braced and ladies don’t take it personally if a man refuses your advances.

Yeah you might get laughed at or heckled by your friends (are they really your friends?) but have no fear because somewhere out there, there is an indiscriminate winer and you will find that bumper.

Leave other people’s man/woman alone

Every Carnival there is always some story of two men or two women fighting over a significant other.

Listen ladies if you are on the road and your man is ignoring you or eyeing some other girl, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Men the same goes for you.

I get it, you’re vex, but going to pick a fight with your no good man or woman while fuelled by Punchy Punch or White Oak and soca is never a good idea. Just stueps, walk away and prepare your “I’m Single, Wild and Free!” social media post.

The last thing you want to do is pick a fight with any would be side piece, cause let’s be honest they normally tend to be a little psycho and psycho’s fight hard.

Do not be nasty

Please for the love of all that is holy do not litter. Yes, yes I know bins are hard to find but holding on to something for all of five minutes while chipping down the road will not kill you. So please hold on to your rubbish until you see a bin. Just because it’s Carnival it does not give you the right to be a filthy human being.

Another nastiness, which sadly most of us have done on the road, is wee wee somewhere that is not a toilet. Have you ever walked through down town Port-of-Spain on Ash Wednesday, I have and it smells extra ripe…I mean burn your nostrils ripe.

So please please utilise the Wee Wee Truck, yes there is line and it smells, but come nah, have some dignity.

Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool

Herpes is for life, HIV/AIDS is for life and babies are for life. I feel like no further explanation is needed here. Be safe.

Be a responsible human

Don’t drink and drive. Don’t rob anyone. Don’t run off anywhere alone without telling anyone. Do not get so drunk that you wake up on Ash Wednesday in box drain covered in glitter and vomit. Don’t jump off a moving music truck or cart (I’ll tell you for free it won’t end well). If you need to climb a wall make sure you can climb down. Falling on your ass will never look good.

Lastly if you have your child or children on the road watching mas do not hand them off to total strangers to go take a wine somewhere. If this is baffling to some of you, here’s a true story. Carnival, 2008, chipping down Queen Street, a little baby, around one, starts waving at me, I wave back and before I know it this child is in my arms and his mother has bolted.

That’s right, this woman gave a total stranger who has clearly had one too many vodkas, her child. Panic sets in, this little boy looked at me and I looked at him and together we had a “oh s@#t” moment.

Luckily, before I came to terms that I would have to raise this child, I found his mother dirty flexing on some man. Child was returned. I often ponder if maybe I should have kept him. So yeah, be responsible.

Leave police officers alone

Finally, please do what our Commissioner of Police Gary Griffith has kindly asked of us and do not wine on any of his police officers. As he said on a recent morning show, they have been trained to palance to the left away from you and nothing is more shameful than getting braced by an officer of the law.

So whether you are jumping on the road, recovering from J’ouvert, taking a dip in the salt or keeping your tail home, just try to not to be rotten human being. Please and Thanks.

P.S. Don’t murder.


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