STRAIGHT up, homeschooling/online learning brings out the worst in me.
I am actually surprised I wasn’t visited by the Children’s Authority last term. One hundred percent, my daughter’s teacher heard me using threatening language through clenched teeth in vain efforts to have her pay attention. Yes, I am aware this type of behavior is frowned upon.
When it was announced that schools would remain closed until December, I cried a little… well a lot… on the inside. Naturally I went through of series of complex emotions, which luckily for you, I decided to document.
Fear and Panic: Nooooo! Why! Oh Lord what have I done to deserve this punishment! You blessed me with many mediocre gifts; none of them are compatible to educating two feral children!
This is horrible! My kids are screwed. I am certain they are psychologically scarred from the last term. My son has regressed to a Neanderthal and my daughter is talking to an imaginary unicorn.
We aren’t going to make it! Yup it’s over! I can’t! I can’t!
Picture the deeply, overly dramatic soul crushing reaction of a woman on the Maury show who has heard the phrase “You Are Not The Father” for the fifth time.
Relief: Amen! My sweet little crotch goblins are safer at home. No, no, wasn’t okay with sending my precious babies out into the grubby, germ laden world. They will be safe at home. They will be safe with mummy. They will be safe from Covid-19, the seasonal flu, stomach viruses, paedophiles, killer clowns in box drains, Anil Roberts’ rants, rabid dogs… all the dangers.
Safe with mummy… yes… safe in this sterilised fortress… safe… so safe.
Self-Loathing: I miss the outside world! I miss double school pickups, my friends, meetings, working from home in peace, using the bathroom in peace, taking showers by myself, putting make up on, being on my own.
Guilt: Why am I complaining? I’m a terrible person. I am able to stay at home with my children. I have access to devices and a semi-reliable internet connection.
Think about working parents Alicia! Think about parents with more than one child doing online schooling! Think about parents without devices or connectivity who have all right to panic!
Did you think about them Alicia? No! You only thought about yourself! Shame on you! You deserve your suffering.
Delusional Optimism: You know what? This going to be great! YASS QUEEN! You are going to SLAY!
I’m going to channel those over perky social media mothers who always do these awesome, glitter filled crafts and super fun, extra educational activities. I am going to be the best!
My precious little angels are going to shine! They are going to thrive in an environment of creativity and love. So much love and so much glitter!
If all goes well, I may just home school forever!
Rage: What the expletive! How the expletive am I supposed to do this again!
Expletive you, coronavirus! You mother expletive expletive! Angry hand gestures.
Boyyyyyy, yall better pray to God I don’t find the piece of expletive who ate that mother expletive raw bat or let this mother expletive virus out of a lab! Cause I will tear down that mother expletive. Just bare fisted rage all over that expletive. Test me! I’m a scrappy expletive! It’s been a long time since these knuckles busted some flesh.
I want blood!
Return of the Sadness: Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
The Resolution: Suck it up buttercup, time to put on your big girl drawers and get this show on the road. Grit your teeth, save your tears for your pillow, and do what’s got to be done.
Everyone is struggling – parents, children and teachers. Sadly there is no quick fix; we are in a ride it out situation and it appears to be going on for expletive ever!
What needs to be remembered is that we are all in this together. Every parent is struggling, every parent is worried and every parent is going through their own emotional hurricane.
No one could have prepared us for this pandemic and the effect if would have on our children’s lives and education. We are currently wading into uncharted waters, where the currents and tides continue to be unpredictable and unforgiving.
The best we can do as parents is try to work together. Help one another where and when we can. Support one another, share with one another and continue to keep doing our best until some sort of normalcy returns.
In the meantime…there is wine.