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The Unicorn – A Near Perfect Politician

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By ALICIA CHAMELY

 

THE problem with being allowed to write whatever you want is that sometimes you hit a wall. Granted in Trinidad and Tobago there is forever an abundance of absurdity to remark on, but this week I was struggling as to where to focus my snarky wit.

After much useless thought, I looked to my five-year-old for answers. During our morning school run I asked her what she thinks I should write about this week. Her answer blew my clogged mind: “Unicorns, mum, write about a unicorn.”

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Children are our future people! Ladies and gentlemen, with local elections next month and general elections rolling around the corner, I present to you perhaps the rarest of all creatures – A Near Perfect Politician.

Disclaimer: Before I begin please note the use of the word Near since what may be perfect for me, may not be for others. For those who are wondering what happened to the unicorns? Firstly, don’t take this the wrong way, but the world has failed you. Much like unicorns, a near perfect politician is a glittery mythical creature. Get the analogy. Great let’s go!

A Near Perfect Politician:

Allows themselves to be victimised by our crap roadways. No flashing blue lights for this person, just sitting in traffic like us peasants. They sit, grind their teeth and are forced to leave home at an unreasonably early hour just to get to their job on time.

They get bonus points if they forgo the Prados and ride in a Tiida with a busted AC…just sitting and baking in the heat. This unicorn of a politician uses this suffering to push for sustainable, meaningful, minimally corrupt roadwork initiatives and efficient public transportation, having felt all of our pain.

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Admits they’ve made mistakes. We all have a couple of skeletons in our closets or have done things we are not particularly proud of…lots in my case. Politicians are no different.

Therefore this unicorn politician would be straight up about his/her errors of past and present. He/She wouldn’t wait until someone pre-election digs up some dirt about that time when they were 12 they stole three Bobbies from their school cafeteria (or in some cases tuck shop).

They would be like, “Hey, so a long time ago I was a scamp, tief from my neighbor’s mango tree, bounce a man car in a car park and said nothing. That was then, this is now and if you catch me or suspect me of being in a scamp in office, you have full permission to drag me out of the Red House and have your tanty beat with a slipper in Woodford Square.”

Yes, this unicorn would beg for accountability and we the people would relish in keep him/her in line.

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Uses public healthcare. No fly outs to Miami or Cuba for checkups or treatments or heart surgery, no sir. Our unicorn leader visits one of our many over used, under staffed health centres and general hospitals. If they need to be hospitalised, no Hibiscus Suite for them, just a gurney in a hallway like everyone else.

No jumping the line, if they need heart surgery or something as simple as an ultrasound, they have to wait weeks or months like the rest of us. I assure you after one visit, this unicorn will have the health sector turned around. Because if in its current state it is not good enough for our government officials, how can it be good enough for the people who put them in office?

Accepts only a basic salary, with no allowances and extras. To understand your people, you must live as your people. This unicorn politician lives by this, and therefore has refused many of the perks that come along with holding a government position. He/She pays all the taxes on their car, doesn’t get any extra housing allowance, or any other such allowances. He/She insists on receiving a salary in line with the average public service employee. This lets our unicorn understand the financial limits and frustrations of the people, allowing them to make better and wiser decisions about the economy. The further a dollar goes for us, it also goes for them.

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Knows when to shut up and give support, even if it’s to the other side. Funny thing about our current politicians is they simply cannot keep their mouths closed. They continually spew a series of childish banter at one another in Parliament, completely distracting from the issue at hand and as usual nothing gets done.

Furthermore they are so drunk with pride they simply refuse to believe anything the opposing side suggests could be beneficial to the country.

Our unicorn knows when to zip it and when to admit the opposing party is right in the interest of TT. He/She isn’t blinded by pride or party colour; they are directly motivated by what is best for our nation.

That ladies and gentlemen is a politician in my eyes. Sadly this person may be as real as a purple unicorn that farts rainbows; we can dream, cant’s we?

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