By ALICA CHAMELY
Dear tiny humans whom I lovingly birthed,
To prepare you for adulthood, I feel it necessary to establish some new “legislative” measures.
While these may seem harsh; I am simply preparing you for some of the many disappointments of adulthood, while trying to preserve what scraps of sanity I have left.
So without further ado I present to you the Sanity and Order, Under the Rule of Our Glorious Dictator, Mummy tax and legislation package.
Let’s dive in shall we?
Sweetie and Snack Tax
Hey you know all of those goodie bags you guys get at your friends/cousins parties? Well as of October 11, 2019, 25% of those goodies will be mine! I don’t care if you nearly got trampled to death retrieving those sweets from under a piñata.
Who do you think dressed you and drove you to that party? Who do you think bought the birthday girl or boy a gift? Me! I did! So pass over those party bags. If there is any complaining you get hit with a penalty and that 25%, turns into 50%.
Please note this tax is also applicable to any cake, cookies, etc. you may have on your person.
Tuck Shop (Cafeteria) Allowance Tax
To be implemented on January 1, 2020, money given for school tuck shop (cafeteria) will be taxed by 25%. Why 25%? Well Mummy isn’t good at math and 25% is relatively easy to work out, especially since tuck shop (cafeteria) is once a week and you get $20. I know you may think this is extremely unfair, but I am just preparing you for the day you receive your first pay check and realise after taxes, health surcharge and NIS, what you think you are getting isn’t what you actually get.
Lost and Found Act
You two are very irresponsible. You have been in primary school for just a month and have already lost two water bottles, a pair of slippers and three buttons off of one of your uniforms… what you doing girl? You would lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body.
What happens when you two lose things? Tears, pleading and mummy dearest here, being forced to search for whatever ridiculous thing you have lost.
Well not anymore! Section 1 of the Lost and Found Act stipulates that any item lost must be found by its owner, without maternal assistance.
Section 2 of the Lost and Found Act states that should the mother find the lost item, the said item will be seized until she believes the careless child has shown he/she will take better care of that item.
Personal Space Act
I love you both to the edge of the universe and back, but you know what I don’t love? Having you in the bathroom with me. My sweet son there is really no need for you to stand next to me, while I am on the toilet, telling me stories about dragons and patting my back. Seriously, it’s weird.
Therefore effective October 11, 2019, the Personal Space Act will come into effect. This will make all those bathroom visits and all those unwanted questions about my body while I am showering, a punishable offence.
Punishment under the Personal Space Act will be deferred until the offender is an adolescent, at which point the matriarch has the legal right to exact revenge when she wishes. Trust me kids, mama will get you back.
The Open Arms Act
Children, life is not easy.
You will get knocked down, you will be disappointed and you will fail. Despite it all, your Mother, your gracious leader, will always be there for you with open arms and an open heart.
The Open Arms Act is one that governs our entire family, parents and children. It is a promise that no matter what we will always love and support one another. We will listen, we will advise, we will care for and we will always stand by each other when times get tough.
Unfortunately, my dear spawn, there is a tax under this Act. Under the Open Arms Act, children shall be taxed approximately a billion cuddles! And trust me, this Tax Woman always collects!
(Alicia Chamely is a happily married mother of two lovely, obedient and well-behaved children like so many of us. The above Acts do not need a special majority, just the laying down of them by Mummy!)